


Taim 'so na hash au 'so stedaunon

by creative_smtimes



Series: The 100 Post Canon Happy Fics [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Echo is called Ash again, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Family Feels, Gen, Multi, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Post-Finale, Post-Season/Series 07, Post-Season/Series Finale, Trigedasleng
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:21:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26794294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creative_smtimes/pseuds/creative_smtimes
Summary: "When we will talk about our dead"In which our last 14 standing talk about those they've lost.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Niylah, Clarke Griffin & Raven Reyes, Echo & Raven Reyes, Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller, Gaia & Indra (The 100), Hope Diyoza/Jordan Jasper Green, Octavia Blake & Clarke Griffin, Octavia Blake & Indra, Octavia Blake/Levitt
Series: The 100 Post Canon Happy Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954072
Comments: 49
Kudos: 46
Collections: The 100 Post-Canon





	1. Chapter 1

At around noon – Emori had pointed out how good it felt to be able to tell time by Earth’s sun again – the rest of the human race sat down around the fireplace together. 

Echo and Hope, with some directions from Gaia, found a few fruit trees and bushes and had lain out their findings for everyone to eat.

“Pretty sure I saw fish in the lake earlier,” Murphy said, throwing a handful of berries into his mouth. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, these fruits are delicious but we should definitely start fishing some time soon.”

“As long as there’s no mutated lake monsters again,” Octavia said, more to herself than to anyone else.

Clarke scoffed, remembering the event her friend was referring to. Levitt, too, looked like he knew.

“Do we wanna know?” Hope asked, looking between the three of them.

“She didn’t tell you that story?” Clarke asked, raising her eyebrow at Octavia.

“Did you tell Madi?” Octavia laughed. The laughter died in her throat when she saw Clarke’s face at the mention of her name.

“It’s okay,” Clarke swallowed. “I miss her but it’s okay, I know she’s okay.”

“You’re allowed to miss her, Clarke,” Niylah smiled and soothingly placed her hand on Clarke’s knee.

“I miss her, too,” Gaia nodded and Clarke found in her eyes a deep and profound understanding.

“She is not dead,” Emori reminded her, “and neither are the others that transcended.”

“But those who didn’t are,” Echo said.

“Except us,” Levitt pointed out.

“Yes, except us.” Indra’s sentence left everyone speechless for a few seconds before she herself broke the silence she had created. “Speaking of the dead, though,” she cleared her throat. “I told both Gaia and Octavia so often that we do not mourn our dead before the war is over. The thing is that it never was. One conflict came after the other so we never got to mourning as we should have.”

"I know this is supposed to be our happy ending," Gaia picked up from her mother, "But I agree. _Oso keryon na ste mou eweit taim 'so na hash au 'so stedaunon._ "

“What did she say?” Levitt asked Octavia not as subtly as he had probably intended.

“She said our souls will feel lighter once we’ve talked about our dead,” Octavia translated.

“We’re gonna have to teach this guy some trig,” Murphy commented.

“As long as I don’t have to do it again,” Emori said, making the three other Spacekru members laugh.

“We have enough native speakers here,” Jordan pointed out, “And I think Hope and I could use a bit of a trig refreshment as well.”

“Did your parents not pass on my wonderful teachings?” Echo asked him, pretending to be shocked.

“A bit but they weren’t perfect,” he replied apologetically.

“They were alright,” Emori said, looking at her friends’ son with a caring smile.

The memory of Monty and Harper had everyone in a calm and sad silence for a bit.

“Which brings us back to the original topic…,” Miller finally broke the silence with a low voice that was almost a whisper.

“Who wants to start?” Clarke asked, looking around.

“Know that the order in which we talk about them does not say anything about how important they are to us,” Gaia quickly made sure to point out. “I just think we should address the ghosts we carry with us so the memories of them will cease to weigh us down.

“I’ll start.” Echo leaned forward, looking into the ashes that were left from the night’s fire. This felt more like a conversation to be had late at night, not with the sun only just starting to come down from its highest point but now there was no more turning back. “I want to talk about the first person I ever killed: _Ekou kom Azgeda_.”

* * *

“I remember the other night you asked me to call you Ash,” Niylah said once Echo was done with her story. 

“You remember that?” Echo asked, surprised.

Niylah raised an eyebrow at her challengingly. “Oh, I can handle a bit of Moonshine without memory loss.”

Jackson scoffed and smiled. “Based on some of _my_ memories from the bunker of having to nurse you back to health in the morning beg to differ.”

Octavia, Indra, and Miller turned at that.

“You had moonshine in the bunker?” Miller asked.

Jackson just shrugged apologetically.

“I don’t blame you,” Octavia said.

“What I wanted to ask,” Niylah said slowly so everyone could follow her bringing the conversation back to Echo’s story, “Would you prefer if we called you Ash now?”

The woman she had addressed looked at her, then at everyone else, then back into the fireplace, thinking. “I think I want to try that,” she then admitted, her voice more careful and fragile than most of them had ever heard it.

“Okay, Ash,” Emori nodded. “Tell us if you change your mind.”

“Thank you,” Ash smiled up at her.

“One dead done. Many, many to go,” Murphy broke the short silence, causing Emori to lightly slap his arm.

“We do have a lot of dead people to talk about,” Clarke shrugged. “Gaia, is it okay if you go next? I want to hear about your father.”

Gaia smiled at her appreciatively and nodded.

While she talked, Octavia saw tears form in Indra’s eyes. She moved closer towards her, taking one of her hands into her own.

“ _Mochof,_ ” Indra whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to request who they should talk about next in the comments


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke had smiled understandingly through the entirety of Gaia’s story.

Everyone could tell Indra wasn’t ready to talk about him or any of her dead yet and they did not pressure her.

Instead, Clarke took a deep breath once Gaia had declared that she was finished. She placed her hand on the Fleimkepa’s shoulder as she started talking. “ _Ai sou get yu in_ ,” she said.

“She understands her,” Octavia whispered the translation into Levitt’s ear and he nodded.

“The way you describe your father,” Clarke swallowed, “makes me think of my own. He was no warrior, of course, but he was an important man up on the Ark. He was brave and he knew what was right for his people.”

“Your father would be proud of you, Clarke,” Raven said.

Clarke smiled. “You know, the last time you said that to me, you were pissed and being sarcastic.”

“Back then, I didn’t know what it felt like to make the decisions you have had to make for us,” Raven said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Raven.” Clarke looked into her friend’s eyes for a few seconds to make sure she knew she meant it, then, she looked around again. “My father was one of the best and most honest people I have ever met. He meant so much to me, I’ve actually hallucinated conversations with him twice now,” she chuckled. “It wasn’t really him, I know that, but if any of the religions we were taught on the Ark that described an afterlife were right and I will get to meet him there when I die – really see _him_ ,” Clarke’s voice broke at that. “He was the first person I ever lost… of course, I’d heard of people being floated, it happened way too often up on the Ark, but it had never been anyone close to me. 16-year-old me was still so innocent, so young… I’m grateful for the relatively peaceful childhood I got to have, I’m sure it’s one of the calmest and easiest out of all of us…” 

Raven could tell Clarke was losing her train of thought so she tried to read what she was trying to say. “You wish you’d gotten to live a peaceful life like that for longer?”

Clarke looked up at her, chuckling but it didn’t reach her glistening eyes. “Sometimes… at least I used to. In my months in the woods after the Mountain especially.” She looked at Niylah as she remembered that time and the woman smiled back to her. “But no, I don’t wish that anymore. I wouldn’t have any of you if we’d stayed up there.”

“Yea, because you were too high-class to hang out with any of us,” Murphy joked.

“You already had Jackson up there,” Raven pointed out.

“You know I think I already had a bit of a crush on you back on the Ark,” Miller said as he looked up at his boyfriend whose shoulder he had been leaning on.

“Really?”

“Yea,” he blushed. “But like, you were working with Abby Griffin and she was on the council and sure, my dad worked with her, too, but, you know, I was rebelling against him so I couldn’t just go and flirt with you…”

“Well then I, too, wouldn’t want to do things differently,” Jackson said. “Because despite everything that had to happen to get us here, I would do it all over again if, in a different version of this, I wouldn’t be with you now.”

“Big saps,” Emori laughed and threw a twig she had picked from between the berries at them.

“As if you two were any better,” Raven commented, looking between two of her best friends.

“Well, if you all had stayed on the Ark, I would have never met this man,” Emori said, poking Murphy’s side before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“You would have never gotten to almost kill me multiple times…” he continued for her with a laugh.

“So much fun I would’ve missed out on,” she played along.

“I just realized how many of you have almost killed one another,” Hope leaned forward with a curious expression.

“You’re right,” Murphy realized, looking at everyone. “I’ve had a knife to your throat,” he pointed at Clarke, “and you to mine,” this time it was Emori, “plus, chipped-you and red-sun-you almost killed me.” He looked around again. “Indra, was it you that gave me that fever that almost killed me and these four?” He pointed at Clarke, Octavia, Miller and Raven.

“I’m afraid it was,” she nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“‘S okay,” Murphy leaned back. “We’ve done worse since then.”

“I killed two boys during those days,” he remembered. “Connor and Myles.” He picked up a few rocks from the ground before him and threw them into the ashes just to busy his hands. “Shot Raven a while later after I’d tried to make Bellamy hang himself…”

The mention of Bellamy’s name sent a wave of sadness through everyone again.

“I almost killed Octavia,” Ash said to bring the conversation back to Hope’s observation. “I’ve threatened to kill Clarke multiple times,...”

“I’ve had a knife to Gaia's throat,” Clarke added, “I supported Bellamy poisoning Octavia, I’ve been the reason Raven was tortured. I let a missile drop on TonDC while Octavia and Indra were there.”

“You had to protect Bellamy in the Mountain,” Indra said.

“It was still the wrong decision,” Clarke countered. “We could have said Raven had hacked them and noticed something about the launcher changing, radioed me and we wanted to make sure so we evacuated,...”

Raven looked at Clarke with a new understanding, seeing that even though she would never be able to change what she had done, Clarke had clearly thought it through over and over after it had happened. “Murphy and Emori could have died despite the nightblood when I sent them in after Hatch and his friends,” she said. “I’m sorry for that,” she added towards them.

“We survived,” Murphy replied. “And you suffered enough for Hatch and the other guys’ deaths.”

“I almost put Emori into a radiation chamber,” Clarke remembered at that.

“Yea, and I was ready to kill you for it,” Murphy commented. 

“But you put the needle into yourself instead,” Emori remembered. “I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for that.”

“There’s no need-” Clarke started to say but Emori interrupted her.

“Yes, there is!” I could have died that day and it would have broken John and I would have never gotten to form these bonds I now have with Raven and with Ech- Ash,” she threw a quick apologizing look to her friend but Ash just nodded understandingly.

It took Emori a second to remember what she had been saying before she kept going. “I would have never gotten to know Bellamy and Monty and Harper as much as I did…” Her eyes fell on Jordan when saying his parents’ names. “They would be so proud of you,” she smiled. 

“They would be,” Ash agreed and everyone who had known them well nodded. 

“Would-” Jordan cleared his throat, all the apologies and memories of stories told by his parents had already sent tears to his eyes. “What would Jasper think of me?”

Looks were shared between those who had known the boy Jordan was named after, the boy who had never gotten to grow up to the age Jordan was now.

“He would be more than proud of you,” Octavia assured him.

“What did they tell you about him?” Clarke asked.

Jordan smiled. “Dad talked about him a lot,” he remembered, “He talked about all the things they did on the Ark when they were young, well, probably not all the things…”

“Like their drugs,” Niylah asked with a smirk.

“For example, yes,” he laughed but it quickly died down. “They didn’t talk much about how he died either.”

There was a short, uncomfortable silence.

“None of us were there when it happened,” Octavia explained. “I didn’t know he was gone until after the time in the Bunker, actually.”

“You didn’t?” Raven asked.

Octavia just sadly shook her head. “I didn’t have much time on the radio with Bellamy, I didn’t know for sure who they had picked up on their way to you in Becca’s bunker,” she explained. “When I saw Monty again after all those years and he waved at me, I looked behind him, thinking – or maybe just hoping that Jasper would get out of the rover behind him but he never did.”

“I knew he was dead, of course, because he wasn’t with Monty and Harper and I knew he’d been in Arkadia,” Clarke remembered. “When I went back there after the wave hit, I found his goggles and a letter to Monty. I gave it to him later in the bunker. The things Jasper said in that letter… I think he’d be pleased with how our story ended.”

“He wouldn’t be happy with some of the things we did to get here,” Raven pointed out, the comment clearly criticizing herself most out of everyone present.

“But he’d be happy with where we are now,” Clarke said with a tension in her voice that told Raven there was a deeper meaning to Clarke’s words… a meaning so _Clarke_ Raven almost had to smile. That it had all been worth it.

“He’d be happy that humanity dies with us, that’s for sure,” Murphy said.

“You do have a thing for mentioning sore spots, don’t you?” Jackson asked and criticized at the same time.

“He’s right though,” Miller said, nudging his boyfriend’s side.

Jackson swallowed. “I know.”

“Maybe it really is for the best,” Hope said, causing Octavia to look over at her with a bit of worry edged into her face.

“Are there any almost-killings we haven’t mentioned yet?” Levitt asked, not so skillfully trying to change the topic.

“Well, I tortured you,” Ash pointed out. “Sorry about that, again.”

He gave her a half-smile in response.

“I punched Clarke once, don’t know if that counts,” Raven remembered.

“You punched me and Ash during fight training on the Ring way more often than that,” Emori laughed.


	3. Chapter 3

“I killed Hope’s father,” Clarke broke the silence, bringing the mood back down.

“You did?” Hope asked.

“In her defense, he had just dropped a giant bomb onto the only part of Earth that was still survivable,” Raven pointed out.

Hope took a second to remember that she had already known this. “Well,” she then said, a lump forming in her throat, “I killed my own mother, so…”

“Hey,” Jordan quickly said, throwing his arm around her and pulling her close.

Clarke and Octavia shared a look at that display of affection, but Octavia seemed okay with it.

“Also not the only person I know who’s done that,” Raven commented, pulling a few looks onto herself, having everyone try to remember who she meant.

“Sorry,” Raven said, “I shouldn’t…”

“I know it’s not you so who is it?” Murphy asked.

Octavia looked at Jordan before she replied. “Monty shot his own mother to save me,” she explained.

“She was being controlled by Alie at the time,” Raven added. “He later deleted her from the City of Light as well.”

“He did?” Jordan asked, looking between the two women who just nodded.

“Your father was incredibly brave,” Clarke assured him. “The woman he shot wasn’t his mother, just like the woman I floated wasn’t mine.”   
Raven and Jackson looked up at that, both being filled with memories of Abby at her mention.

“It was her, you know…,” Raven said, making Clarke look at her questioningly. “When I was talking to that being… the Judge of the Transcending…” Raven looked straight into Clarke’s eyes but she couldn’t see her expression anymore as tears started to cloud her vision. “It took Abby’s form while I was talking to it…”

Clarke’s eyes started welling up as well. “She loved you, Raven,” Clarke said. “She loved you like a daughter. You were to her maybe not like Madi to me or Hope to Octavia” – the look the two women she had just mentioned shared warmed Clarke’s heart a little – “but maybe like Indra loves Octavia.”

The latter woman’s eyes wandered from who she had come to see as a daughter to her mother figure and even more than the smile shared by these two, Clarke loved the smile on Gaia’s face as she watched the moment between them.

“It was Lexa for you, wasn’t it,” Niylah’s voice pulled Clarke back. She had mumbled it but the wind was quiet enough that everyone had heard. “The form that being took, it was Lexa.”

Clarke nodded, not even surprised that after all this time, Niylah still knew how important Lexa had been to her. “It was.”

“I’m sorry you’ve had to lose her again, Clarke,” Raven said and somehow Clarke knew from her look that Raven had known about Lexa in the City of Light and that this marked the third time Clarke had said goodbye to Lexa – or a being who looked like her.

“I’m sorry about Finn,” she said, sending another flood of memories through the other woman’s body.

Raven swallowed. “You did the right thing,” she then said. “I realized that later after they’d tied me to the pole and then Lexa’s advisor.”

“Gustus,” Indra said and Raven nodded.

“Watching him die… I understood then that you made the right choice in giving Finn the quicker death but I never got around to actually thanking you for sparing him all that pain.”

“I’m sorry for cutting your arm that day,” Indra said. “We shouldn’t have acted so quickly after you’d been accused.”

“Those were your ways,” Raven said instead of accepting Indra’s apologies.

“All our cultures had their flaws,” Clarke added and everyone nodded.

“I caused the deaths of 48 of your people in the Mountain,” Echo said to Clarke.

“Including Gina,” Raven nodded.

“Another part of the reason why it took Bellamy three years to trust me,” she shrugged with half a smile.

“Ironic, considering he helped kill 300 Trikru souldiers including my father,” Niylah scoffed.

“299,” Indra corrected. “He had them spare me.”   
“You know, your grandmother was part of that group, too,” Miller commented towards Jordan.

“I knew that,” he said in a low voice. “Dad talked about that so I’d understand if there was ever any tension between former Skaikru and Trikru people.”

“Your grandpa on your dad’s side was good, though,” Octavia said, trying to lighten Jordan’s mood.

“I know,” he said. “He saved some Farmstation kids from Azgeda warriors.”

“Sorry about that on behalf of my people,” Ash half-smiled.

Jordan smiled back.

“Sorry for Ilian,” she then said to Octavia, causing her to stiffen a bit before Levitt placed her hand in his.

“He had to die that day,” she said. Doesn’t make a difference who killed him. “Sorry about Roan,” she then added.

“You didn’t kill him,” Ash pointed out.

“I’m alive because he’s dead,” Octavia shrugged. “Sorry about Fio, too, for that matter,” she added towards Indra who nodded, “And about Luna. I know you spent some time together in Becca’s lab, she said towards those who had been there.

“She wasn’t the Luna we had spent time with anymore,” Clarke said.

“She should see us now,” Raven said. “All she wanted was for people to stop killing each other. She wanted all the violence and death to end and now we’re here, finally truly the last of the human race… and there’ll be no more killing.”

“Floukru was ahead of their time,” Octavia smiled.

“Luna and Jasper were right,” Clarke said, “It seems that when humans are around, there’ll always be violence and hate and killing…”

“Not anymore,” Gaia said. “We 14 are all that’s left!”

“So no more killing and fighting then,” Indra said, looking around and everyone nodded.

“Can we kill animals, though?” Murphy asked, “I mean, these fruits are great but I’m hungry!”

Ash chuckled. “I’ll help you fish,” she said.

“Me too.” Emori stood up with them and the group spread out for the afternoon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapters will take place during dinner. For conversations that happened in the afternoon, check out [Little Conversations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26880475/chapters/65587795)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between Chapter 3 and this one the afternoon happened. Conversations that took place during that time can be found in my other Work [Little Conversations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26880475?view_full_work=true)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd start off the evening with a bit of something light-hearted before we dive into the deep trauma again, hope you like it!

After almost everyone had helped with the wood for their future housing all afternoon, they were more than happy when Ash announced that the fish she had caught, Murphy and Raven had gutted (they had tied at 5 skips on the water) and she had shown them how to cook over the fire was finally ready to be eaten.

Tired from the day’s work, they finished their dinner in silence even when everyone was done eating, they did not dare to get up.

Hope was silently showing Jordan how to make threads out of the fibers of the twigs she and Octavia had picked, Jackson was absent-mindedly stroking Miller’s head which – going by Miller’s deeply-relaxed facial expression – was coming close to a head massage. The rest was simply looking around, not at anything or anyone in particular, just following their thoughts.

“I want doors on the new sheds,” Murphy broke the silence, causing everyone to look at him in confusion. Everyone except Raven and Emori, who started laughing.

“Why do you need doors?” Jordan asked innocently.

Hearing Raven and Emori’s laughter increasing, realization slowly spread across Ash’s face. 

“On the Ring, Raven was the master at walking into people’s rooms when they were… not prepared for visitors…” Ash explained as vaguely as possible.

“Oh…” Jordan said, still with a bit of confusion in his voice until, “ohhh!”

“Exactly,” Ash smiled.

“Not just on the Ring, though,” Emori commented. “She walked in on us in Sanctum once, too!”

“The Reyes Interruptus,” Murphy snickered.

“You gave it a name?” Clarke laughed.

“It happened so often on the Ring,” Emori laughed, “We had to!”

“Happened with your parents, too,” Murphy said to Jordan, making the man blush.

“Good thing I was asleep when they made you,” Raven commented. “Did you know, I actually walked in on them right after their first time?”

“Could we please change the topic?” Jordan asked with a sheepish smile, making everyone laugh again.


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m sorry for destroying the happy moment,” Gaia started after a short moment of silence. “But is there anyone you would like to talk about tonight?” She looked around the group but nobody seemed eager to talk. “Maybe somebody whose death was not so much of a traumatic experience for any of us here but who was still important enough to be remembered here?”

“I should mention the Bardoans,” Levitt said, leaning forward. “None of us knew any of them, only some of us saw their bodies but having lived on their planet all my life, I still feel like they deserve a mention.”

“Yes, thank you, Levitt,” Gaia smiled at him, thankful her request for a talk had not stayed completely unanswered.

“Lexa’s students,” Clarke joined in. “I only got to talk to Aden a few times before Ontari killed them but they were important to Lexa and if they hadn’t died that night, things would have gone a lot differently.”

“Ethan,” Indra said with a careful look towards her daughter. “You trained him well, Gaia.”

“Thank you.” Gaia’s smile was slim, not sure if the boy counted as a not-so-traumatic death for both her and Octavia, but glad he had been brought up.

“Queen Nia,” was the next name mentioned by Niylah. She looked over at Ash. “We all know the terrible things she did but nevertheless she was a big part of Ash’s life.”

“Thank you,” Ash smiled genuinely.

“I never told this to any of you except Ash here,” Niylah continued, “but I was named after Queen Nia.”

“But you’re Trikru?” Indra asked just like Ash had back on the bunk beds in the bunker.

“My mother was Azgeda,” Niylah explained. “That’s why we lived at the border.”

“You told me your mother was taken by the Mountain,” Clarke remembered. “How old were you then?”

“Sixteen,” Niylah replied. “A customer told us a few weeks after she had gone missing that he had killed a reaper who had wanted to take his son. He was boasting about it, told us with pride that not only had he killed a reaper but that she had Azgeda markings, too. That’s how we knew she was dead.”

Clarke gave her friend a sympathetic smile, not knowing what to say.

“TonDC lost many people to the mountain, too,” Indra said.

“We lost five,” Octavia added. “It’s not a lot but they were just kids and they were part of the 100.”

Clarke cleared her throat. “I want to mention those who helped us inside the Mountain,” she declared. “They helped us because they knew what their people were doing was wrong and I killed them with the rest to save my own people.”

Nobody said anything.

“Maya and Vincent Vie helped us,” Clarke continued. “People I don’t even know the names of helped hide our people. President Dante Wallace…” She cleared her throat again, trying to keep the tears she could feel coming at bay. “I know he gave many of the orders that killed a lot of people but really he wasn’t much different from what I’ve become since then.”

“His son was a dick though,” Raven commented, causing a few weak smiles to appear. “I mean, from what I heard,” she shrugged.

“He was,” Octavia nodded profusely. 

“That doctor was, too,” Jordan remembered from his parents’ stories. “What was her name?”

“Tsing,” Clarke answered.

“Yea,” Jordan just nodded.

“Are we listing people we’re glad are dead now?” Miller asked with a chuckle that didn’t sound happy at all.

“If yes, I’d like to add Charles Pike,” Levitt said more towards Octavia than to any of the others. He continued before anyone could say anything. “I know killing out of revenge is bad and I know that you know that now, too, but that man killed the love of your life! And he led a group that killed 299 of Indra’s people. He almost killed Indra, too!”

“I killed Anders for similar reasons that Octavia killed Pike,” Hope commented. “And I know it was wrong and all that but I don’t regret it.” She looked over at Levitt. “Still, I want to apologize to you. I know your people weren’t meant to care about one another but just in case he or any of the other people I killed on Bardo meant something to you, I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” Levitt nodded. “I’m glad you at least didn’t kill all of us,” he added, earning a jab from Octavia’s elbow into his side for the comment.

There was a long silence again. The sun had set since they had begun talking and it was starting to get colder. 

Clarke took a deep breath before she broke the silence. “I know we’re probably not ready to talk about  _ him _ yet and like with most of the people who meant most to us we will probably never stop talking about them but I want to at least start, especially now that we’re talking about the people from Bardo.”

Clarke could feel the people around her brace themselves for what she was about to say before she continued.

“I killed your brother,” she said to Octavia before turning to Ash, “your boyfriend, your friend,” she turned to Raven, Emori and Murphy, then Miller, then to Jordan and Hope, “the man you were raised to believe was a hero, and he was... until he wasn't…” She thought for a second. “Well, maybe, in a sense, he still was, just not the right way…”

Nobody dared to say anything, seeing Clarke had not yet finished her thought.

“I also killed the man he survived a foreign planet with.” A cold chuckle left her lips before she turned to Levitt. “I don’t even remember the man’s name,” she admitted.

“Doucette.”

“Doucette,” Clarke repeated. “I think he meant a lot to the new Bellamy, just like Cadogan. And I killed all three of them…”

“I told you before,” Ash said slowly, carefully. “It wasn’t you who killed Bellamy, it was his beliefs.”

“In a sense, he killed himself before you could,” Miller added.

“You know, I killed myself once,” Raven said, trying to lighten the mood with her tone but just earning many confused stares.

“I froze myself to death, stopped my heart and then revived myself again to get what was left of Alie out of my brain,” she explained. “Otherwise I would have actually died off a stroke,” she shrugged.

“Has anyone else here been dead and come back?” Indra asked, confused.

“I have,” Emori said at the same time as Clarke and Murphy said, “Me!”

“Oh, okay,” Indra said.

“Though, other than Raven, we didn’t mean to die,” Emori added.

“Well,” Murphy said, looking at Clarke “at least not that time.”

“What do you mean?” Jordan asked.

“Both Clarke and I have almost killed ourselves before,” Murphy explained. 

“I have, too,” Ash admitted. 

“I was close, too,” Octavia said with a low voice. 

“When?” Raven asked, looking concerned.

“I almost walked into the radioactive rain once… needed to feel something other than the pain of losing Lincoln.” Somehow Octavia had grown smaller while she had been talking but now she lifted herself up again. “Ilian pulled me back into the cave we were in so I slept with him instead.”

Raven raised her eyebrow at that, not knowing what to comment other than that.

“I think we may have to talk about healthy coping mechanisms sometime soon,” Jackson said, his tone sounding half-joking, half-serious.

“We really do,” Raven agreed.

Clarke shifted in her seat and took a deep breath, causing everyone to look at her. “When Russell tried to erase my memories, he said I’d go to a better place. He reminded me that that’s what I’d said I wanted. Maybe this can be it for us. Our better place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one was a bit heavy but that's what y'all signed up for so... :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance. You may want to have a box of tissues somewhere close

“Wait so how many of us have died before?” Murphy asked, an important thought seemingly swirling through his mind that he could not leave unanswered.

“Clarke, Emori, Raven, and you,” Indra replied.

“Clarke and Emori, you only woke up in your mind space when you died, right?”

Both women nodded.

“How long were you dead for, Raven?” he then directed his next question to the third of them.

“Fifteen minutes,” she replied, “why?”

“Did you go anywhere when you were dead?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, did you see anything while your heart wasn’t beating, do you have any memories from between blacking out and waking up again?”

“I don’t.” Raven furrowed her brows. “I remember the hallucinations I had beforehand, the ones that had been caused by the strokes but while I was gone there was nothing.”

“Why are you asking?” Hope looked at Murphy warily. “What did you see?”

“Hell,” Murphy replied and half of the group wasn’t sure if he meant it or just wanted to shock the kids.

“You saw hell?” Hope asked, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

“It was right after we had all been influenced by the Red Sun Toxin,” Jackson reminded him. “I’m sure whatever you saw was caused by that, not what really awaits you.”

“You sure, Doc?” Murphy asked, his tone somewhere between challenging and genuinely concerned.

“None of us can be sure where we go after we die,” Gaia pointed out. “My faith believes in reincarnation but we are the last people that will ever live. I’m not sure what to believe in anymore,” she admitted.

“Maybe we’ll come back as animals,” Octavia shrugged.

“Maybe…” Gaia looked at her feet. “Maybe Trishanakru was right.”

“What did they believe?” Clarke asked.

“Did you ever encounter the glowing blue butterflies after you landed?”

“We did,” Octavia answered, looking at Levitt who smiled at the memory of her excitement.

“When a person from Trishanakru died, they left their body in the glowing forest, tying them to a tree,” Gaia explained, “There, the caterpillars would build their cocoons on the body, feeding off of it until they would be reborn as the glowing butterflies.”

“Trishanakru believed their dead’s souls flew with the butterflies,” Indra finished her daughter’s explanation.

“That’s beautiful,” Jordan said.

“Really?” Hope smiled, “You’d want caterpillars feeding off your flesh?”

“No,” Jordan laughed with her, “But I like the thought of the souls of the dead flying with glowing blue butterflies!”

“Where do you believe your dead are?” Levitt asked, looking at Jordan but indirectly asking everyone.

Jordan’s laughter died in an instant, his shocked face stopping everyone else’s thinking.

“What is it?” Emori asked.

“My parents–,” Jordan said. “I’ve known for so long that they were dead but I never questioned the how…”

“Harper died of the same disease as her dad did,” Clarke remembered, “Your father said so in his last video.”

“I know, I know,” Jordan nodded, his hands were nervously playing with the piece of cordage he had been working on with Hope’s help the entire time, “But I never stopped to wonder how my dad died!”

“He was old,” Ash pointed out, not quite following yet. “Maybe he just–”

“No,” Jordan interrupted her. “No, if he had just died of old age, we would have found his body somewhere on the ship but we didn’t. Besides, he wouldn’t want to stay on there alone for long after my mom died. He said he didn’t go into cryo because he didn’t want to live without her…”

“What are you trying to say?” Emori asked carefully.

“I’m saying my father must have killed himself,” Jordan finally voiced his thought aloud, causing a wave of realization and shock to go through the whole group.

A tear started to roll down Raven’s cheek. “He must have taken Harper’s body with him to one of the airlocks and just…”

“He floated himself,” Murphy commented with a sad smile.

Jordan’s sniffle pulled everyone out of the quiet thoughts they had sunken into after the realization. 

“I need a minute,” he excused himself, got up and walked towards the water.

Hope looked at Octavia, unsure of what to do. When the other woman cocked her head to the side with a sad smile, indicating she should follow him, though, she did.

“I’ll do dishes then,” Ash said in a low voice, not wanting to disturb the others’ thoughts, and started collecting the various leaves, stones and pieces of wood everyone had used for to hold their food. Looking at the pile of utensils now in her hand, she sighed. “Okay, we’re gonna have to work on that tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Individual conversations as always happening over in [Little Conversations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26880475/chapters/66266798)


	7. Chapter 7

“G’morning,” Raven greeted Ash while giving her a handful of berries and an apple.

“Where did you find apples?” Ash asked excitedly.

“Clarke and Raven found them,” Niylah replied.

“Yea, there’s actually a bunch of apple trees a bit further south from here,” Clarke said proudly.

“So we decided the two of them are on new-food-finding duties now,” Octavia chuckled, “They seem to have a nose for it.”

Everyone settled around on their benches, the mouthwatering sound of teeth sinking into apples all around.

“Did everyone sleep well?” Jordan asked, looking around.

Some people nodded, some smiled.

“How about you,” Miller asked him. “You stayed up pretty late.”

“I did…” Jordan scratched the back of his neck. “And I didn’t fall asleep right after I lay down either but just sitting at the lake with Hope really helped.”

Hope blushed at the compliment and both Octavia and Ash noticed the tips of her feet shuffling in the stones nervously.

“I’m glad you have each other then,” Clarke smiled at the two. “I slept surprisingly well, too.”

Ash looked between the blonde and Raven, wondering if they had woken up in the same tangled up position she had seen them in when she had gone to sleep.

“How about you?” Hope asked Ash.

“We weren’t too loud, were we?” Octavia looked at her a bit sheepishly.

“I did try to keep them quiet or at least busy,” Indra apologized with a shrug.

“It’s fine,” Ash assured everyone. A short breath in and a slight movement of her head showed everyone that there was something on her mind so no one continued the conversation.

“I was wondering something,” she started. “Last night, I asked Miller here about his dad and it made me think I’d really like to know about everyone’s parents… might help us understand better where everyone is coming from.”

“That’s a good idea, Ash,” Gaia smiled and nodded. 

“Well, we know your mother,” Clarke said to Gaia, pointing at Indra, “and we’ve heard about your dad. Everyone knows about my parents and Jordan’s and Hope’s.” She was looking around their little circle now. “Ash, you’ve told us a bit about your parents already, too, and so did you, Niylah. We know about Octavia’s mom and…”

“And I never knew my dad so I’ve got nothing else to say on that,” Octavia picked up from her. “Same goes for Miller but kind of the other way around,” she then pointed out and the man nodded.

“I don’t have parents,” Levitt clarified.

“Neither do I,” Emori said.

“Raven and Emori know the story of my parents,” Murphy started, shifting his position a little, “I don’t think the rest of you does, right?” After only getting curious faces in return to his question, he kept going. “My father was Alex Murphy, he was floated for stealing medicine – medicine I needed because I was sick – but he was caught and so he was floated. My mom drank herself to death after that. Angry and lonely as I was, I set fire to the office of the guy who had arrested my dad, was caught, got put in the skybox, you all know the rest of the story. Before I’d gotten sick, my life had been good, almost calm. Remember when Clarke said she’d probably had the most peaceful childhood out of all of us?”

“I said ‘one of’,” Clarke reminded him with a small smile.

“Yea, well, mine was one of those, too… until I got sick.”

“My mother got sick when I was 15,” Jackson picked up from Murphy as the latter had stopped talking. “She died in my arms 5 months after we’d found out. I only vaguely remember someone taking her body away from where I’d been holding her. I remember crying and then I remember Abby’s hand on my shoulder. She didn’t hug me, she didn’t tell me it was going to be okay because she knew that wouldn’t help me. She just put her hand on my shoulder to show me she was there and I wasn’t alone. That day I decided to become a doctor, because I wanted to help other people, wanted to prevent them from having to feel like I did that day.”

Both Emori and Miller were holding their partners closely after these emotional stories.

Raven cleared her throat. “Kind of like O, I never knew my dad, never really cared either. For all we know we could be half-sisters,” she joked and winked at her friend.

Octavia chuckled. 

“That man would have had to be really damn hot to make women like us, hm?” Raven continued. Smiling over at Octavia, though, she caught Ash’s serious eyes as well and she cleared her throat again. 

„Mother was more like Mrs. Murphy though,“ she continued. “Well, at least in the way it ended with her. Drank herself to death.” Raven scratched her forehead a bit too strongly so that a light red streak appeared on it. A sad scoff left her lips. “I don’t even know why she was drinking that much,” she realized, half to herself. “Don’t remember her ever not doing it so I don’t know what made her start and we never talked enough for me to know what kept her drinking either…” The hand that had been scratching her forehead was now scratching behind her ear instead. “Anyway, the Collins took me in then… well, Finn did. His dad didn’t exist either, think he was floated for something before he was born but his mom never told him for what. And his mom was in the guard and always busy so I didn’t get new parent figures there either. First time I ever felt like I had a parent that loved me was with Abby,” she admitted, looking up at Clarke next to her with tears in her eyes.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Clarke pulled her into a tight hug that neither of them let go of for a few long seconds despite the weird angle their bodies were in. Shortly before they did pull apart, though, Raven sunk her face into Clarke’s shoulder for another second and Niylah, who was sitting on Clarke’s other side, noticed a wet spot there on Clarke’s shirt once they’d both turned back to the group.

“I believe that leaves only me,” Indra said slowly, placing the leave she had used as a plate for her berries on the bench between herself and Octavia.

The young woman placed her hand on top of her former teacher’s and looked into her eyes. “You don’t have to,” Octavia assured her.

“It’s okay,” Indra smiled. “The wars are over,” she reminded her. “I finally get to grief.”

The small, sad smile on Indra’s lips convinced Octavia and she let go of the older woman’s hand. Before she could begin to speak again, Indra felt her other hand being squeezed and when she looked over, she saw her daughter look at her with an encouraging smile.

“My mother was a chief like me, my father was a warrior,” she began. “My father was the one who got me my first sword,” she remembered, her eyes already starting to get glassy with the memories hitting her all at once. “He had carved it from wood so it almost looked like a smaller version of his.” She shook her head lightly, not wanting to dive too deep into her memories and to instead get to the point. “I had only just begun as my mother’s second,” she remembered. “She had asked me in fall and it had been the happiest day of my life.” She felt Gaia’s hand hold her a little closer again as if to tell her she could do this. “Malachi – or Sheidheda as we later called him – attacked in winter. My father was dead before the flowers returned. Sheidheda’s army had killed more than half of ours so when he stood in front of the gates of TonDC, my mother kneeled to him. For so many years I thought her weak for doing so but being around him again and with that Red Sun Toxin,… I remembered what she said to him that day. She told him she was only kneeling so that he wouldn’t kill me.”

“So many of your parents died to protect you,” Levitt pointed out, sounding almost impressed.

“They did,” Ash nodded slowly and, to her pleasant surprise, noticed Hope was slightly nodding as well.

To change the topic away from death, Jackson started talking. “Ash was right, telling each other about things we remember about our parents really does show us how differently we remember our parents. Like Raven didn’t do much with her mother at all, Indra’s dad gave her a toy sword while my mom used to play chess with me…”

“My dad played chess with me, too, sometimes,” Clarke remembered. “But I think Jaha was the one who really taught me and Wells.”

“Who’s Wells?” Levitt asked.

Clarke looked at her feet with a sad smile. “Wells was my best friend on the Ark. He died only a few days after we landed on earth.”

“A little girl stabbed him because she thought killing him would free her from the nightmares she had about his father,” Miller explained.

“His father was the chancellor, he had her parents floated,” Clarke finished.

“Thelonious Jaha?” Levitt asked. “I remember him from Octavia’s memories. I saw him die, well, Octavia did but…”

“How did he die?” Clarke asked carefully.

Octavia sighed. “There was an uprising, Cooper and other Skaikru took level 5 and wanted to leave everyone else to die but he helped me stop them. He got injured, though and we couldn’t get to Jackson and Abby quickly enough to get him help so he bled out.”

“Was my mother there when he died?” Clarke asked next. 

“She was,” Jackson replied. “It was Octavia, Kane, Abby and I that were with him.”

“Good,” Clarke nodded slightly. “That’s good.”

“I remember now,” Levitt said. “He mentioned Wells right before he died.”

“He did?” Clarke looked back up at the man.

“His last words…” Octavia said, now remembering it, too, “they were ‘Take me to my wife. Take me to Wells.’ He said it to Kane, wanted him to say the prayer for him.”

“That’s beautiful.” Clarke’s lips were forming a thin smile. “He was a good man – despite some of the things he did, he was.”

There was a long silence, everyone thinking of some person or another they wished was still with them.

Gaia was the one to break the silence. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ve ever played chess,” she said. When some of the others looked at her questioningly, she continued. “Jackson mentioned it earlier and it sounds like all or most of you know how it works. I would love if someone were to teach me.”

“I’ve never played it either,” Emori shrugged.

“Neither have I,” Ash said.

“I can teach all of you,” Clarke offered. “We’ll just need some differently-colored stones maybe to represent the different pieces.”

“Or you could carve them,” Murphy suggested.

“Is that really more important than making plates?” Octavia asked, her raised eyebrow adding to the judgmental tone, but it was accompanied by a smile.

“Chess is important!” Murphy insisted.

“I agree,” Jackson said.

“It is,” Clarke said at the same time.

Ash and Octavia sighed simultaneously, making each other chuckle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to tell me stuff you'd like me to address in this story


End file.
